For six weeks I could drink nothing but water and, on occasion, tea. For six weeks I weighed and measured my portions of food down to the gram, making sure I ate less than 500 calories per day. I walked around with a device that told me if I was exercising enough. I ate what They told me, and nothing else. I salivated every time I smelled pizza. I watched people eat French fries with envy and loathing. I nearly punched my friend who offered to buy me a drink. No, I was not a test subject for the latest CIA torture methods. I did this to myself of my own free will.
I have just completed phase one of my diet and detoxification regimen. Phase two lasts for another three weeks, but I get to eat more or less as much food as I want (albeit from the same fairly limited menu) and I can starting drinking vodka again, in small quantities. Only vodka, but it’s better than nothing. I thought I would take the opportunity to review some important things I’ve learned from six weeks of suffering, degradation and general misery.
1. Willpower is the difference between success and failure. Life is hard and most things that need doing are not terribly fun. Examples: work, gym, eating healthily, drinking in moderation, living within your means. I accomplished my goal through force of will. Yes it sucked, but now it’s over and I get to gloat about it. I also get to look down on anyone who whines, complains and blames outside influences for their own failings. And yes, I will be an insufferable prick about it. Because I’ve earned it.
2. Things do not get easier as you go. People will tell you that the longer you go without drinking/eating carbs/shopping excessively the easier it gets. They tell you that your cravings and urges will diminish with time. This is a lie. It is designed to keep you in a state of perpetual hope, thinking tomorrow you won’t wake up with the desire to kill someone for a cookie. In fact, the longer you deny yourself, the worse it gets. I, for example, have another three weeks before I can have pizza, and I feel murderous every time I see someone eating it.
3. It is perfectly possible to live life without consuming alcohol. Yes that’s right, I said it. The author of More to Drink, and Other Catchphrases for Sin and Vice admits that you can maintain an active lifestyle and even go out to bars and clubs and not drink. It is absolutely possible. It is also incredibly boring. Pass me a martini.
4. The scale is your friend. It’s amazing what the small addition of a scale to my bathroom has done for my life. It is located conveniently between my bedroom where I tend to do my late night snacking and my kitchen. Every time I leave the house it whispers a subtle reminder: “Remember, eventually you have to come home and face me.”
5. Vanity wins. I’m guilty of pretty much all seven of the “deadly sins.” Depending on who you ask the list goes something like this: Extravagance/lust, gluttony, greed, apathy/sloth, wrath, envy and pride. The combination of the first four are enough to make most anyone fat. Five and six don’t really apply (unless you eat and drink a lot when you’re pissed off). Which leaves us with number seven: pride. There aren’t many things in the world that could make me give up booze, let alone adhere to a strict meal plan that consists mainly of things I don’t like to eat. But there is one thing I hate more than not having the things I want, and that’s being fat. So as I look in my closet and discover that all of my clothes are too big I hereby declare my immeasurable pride (that everyone always says is my biggest flaw) to be the winner in the contest against my other sins, with wrath and envy being runners up for making me pissed off over being fat and making me hate skinny people, respectively. Screw all of you who told me I needed to be less of a pompous ass. In the end it was the only thing that saved me from myself.
