Today on Gaytopia we examine an age-old phenomenon that can perhaps best be summed up in the words of the prophetess Lady Gaga (who I still maintain is either a fantastic drag queen or a really bad post-op transsexual): “Ra ra ah-ah-ah, Roma roma-ma, Gaga ooh la la.” Ok perhaps that’s a bit too advanced for some of you. Try this verse: “I want your love, And I want your revenge, You and me could write a bad romance.”
Yes, that’s right, we are going to take a hard look at why we wind up in the wrong relationships. Notice I said we and not We (as in the royal We), because you all know damn well I am not the only one that has been down this road. Before we continue I feel it’s only fair to warn you this post will be fraught with rhetorical peril. No doubt I am going to step on a few toes as we begin to recognize that not only do we pursue the wrong sort of person, but we sometimes are the wrong sort of person. Also we may encounter such tired clichés as “the heart wants what it wants,” but if we stick to the trail and don’t feed the wildlife hopefully we can avoid the worst of them.
There are a number of possible scenarios that can result in romantic disaster. We’re going to start with the one Miss Gaga refers to; otherwise the first paragraph and the title of this post would be meaningless. Even more so than it already is.
“I want your love and I want your revenge.” Well that’s odd isn’t it? Especially considering the rest of the song, which seems to indicate we are talking about a new love interest and not an ex. At least that’s my interpretation. And since this is my blog that’s the one we’ll be going with. So what sort of revenge are we talking about here? Also: “I want your Psycho, Your Vertigo shtick. Want you in my Rear Window, baby you’re sick.” In addition to being a rather clever Hitchcock reference this person clearly has some issues. Looks like we’re dealing with:
1. Damaged goods. Oh who doesn’t love a fixer-upper? The idea that you can take someone who clearly has some issues, and “help” them or even “improve” them is seductive. After all you’re not doing it for yourself right? Your helping someone else to become a more complete and functional human being. Right? Sure. Funny I must have missed the part where you had a Ph.D. in psychoanalysis. I’ve heard that part of loving someone is learning to accept their flaws. I don’t often hear that overhauling their personality/wardrobe/hygiene or attempting to surgically remove their emotional baggage is. If you can’t accept someone for who they are move along, which brings us to:
2. My Ex is my EX for a reason (repeat as necessary). The other interpretation of Bad Romance is that it is about getting back together with an ex. See my previous published works on why this is a bad idea. Yes, yes I know, that first break up didn’t take/was a mistake/wasn’t really a break up. Meanwhile your friends are collectively banging their heads against walls, desks or other sturdy objects that happen to be nearby. And no, we don’t want to hear your excuses, especially:
3. But the sex is awesome! If you can build a relationship around sex more power to you. If you can do so without paying for it even more power to you. If you hate every pre- and post-coitus moment you spend with this person it might be time to consider there’s more to life. This one has a younger cousin named “He/She is soooo hot!” This is even worse because it implies that you’re insanely attracted to the person but are not getting the accompanying satisfaction. Sucks to be you. But at least your friends are probably jealous, which is better than:
4. Bad Boy/Bad Girl syndrome. Do I even need to explain this one? I think at some point we reach a level of maturity where this no longer applies. I say I think because I have not reached it yet. Yes it’s a bad idea, no it’s not going to last, and your friends definitely do not approve, even if it does also qualify as #3 as well. And once you start wearing eyeliner and going to Goth clubs your friends probably won’t even want to hang out with you. Still it’s probably better than:
5. Help! I’m dating my friend! Sometimes when two people have known each other for a long time they grow close. They develop a bond. Maybe they even feel a deep emotional connection. And one night under the influence of dim lighting and vodka the walls come down and Something happens. And then before you know it the sun is peeking through the blinds and you’re wondering why you’re lying naked in bed with your friend. Well you have two choices here: 1) Pretend it never happened. 2) Start dating. Either way you run a reasonably good chance of ruining that friendship you prize so highly. To be fair you also have a very small chance of developing a happy, healthy successful relationship. But if you want to play odds like that I suggest Vegas. Money is easier to come by than friends.
So here we have the top five scenarios that are likely to land me you in Bad Romance territory. Now we get to the practical part of today’s lesson: How to avoid getting caught in a bad romance. Here are some tips that will hopefully aid you in avoiding the scenarios above.
1. Start overeating, stop exercising. Mmm gluttony AND sloth! That’s right, eat as much as you can of the foods that are worst for you and throw away that gym bag! Also consume large quantities of alcohol, frequently. How does this help? Well, do you see that fat, drunk guy with grease stains on his t-shirt over in the corner? Yeah. I wouldn’t date him either.
2. Take a vow of celibacy. If you’re going to do this I recommend castration first. Makes things a good bit easier. Plus if you become a monk you can brew beer. And I mean honestly. Who wouldn’t want to spend their life making beer?
3. Develop a major drug habit. I hear heroin is really great for taking your mind off things.
4. Become a mature, responsible, fully self-actualized individual and recognize that the right person will come along and until then you are doing just fine. … … … … … … … … … … *snicker*
