Beach Etiquette

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s death. I have decided to observe the occasion by doing something that she always intended to do but never managed: I am hereby publishing the official rules of beach etiquette (with a few additions of my own).

Beach etiquette concerns the manner in which you and your fellow beachgoers should conduct yourselves at the beach, and in the ocean. And I mean literally at the beach. Not at Rehomo getting drunk at a bar at 11 a.m. Nope I’m talking sun, sand, wind, waves. This will not cover the beach after hours, which follows a completely different set of rules (or lack thereof).

The Official Guide to Beach Etiquette

Rule Number One: Selecting an appropriate beach spot

Going to the beach is a lot like picking a good campsite. You’ll want to try and find a level spot, preferably equidistant between the waves and the dunes. Make sure you are above the high tide line and don’t park yourself right in front of the beach access point. You will regret it. Also, much like a campsite, a beach spot has the tendency to expand, so make sure you’re far enough away from your fellow beachgoers to allow some room to spread out. This is especially important, and brings us to:

Rule Number Two: Respect the Buffer Zone

Yes the beach gets crowded. Yes the sand is hot and your poor little feetsies might get a little bit burned if you didn’t bother to wear shoes so you naturally don’t want to walk any further than necessary. But that does not give you the right to invade other people’s space. On a crowded beach you should keep a minimum distance of TEN FEET from the closest object in someone else’s spot. I don’t care if it’s a sand bucket. If the beach is not crowded use more space. Do NOT camp directly in front of someone else’s spot, cutting off their view of and access to the ocean. This is possibly the worst violation of beach etiquette, and the offended party is permitted to throw breadcrumbs, popcorn and other seagull attractors within the perimeter of your spot. This brings us to:

Rule Number Three: Don’t Feed the Freakin Seagulls

Sure they’re friendly and sometimes even cute. And it’s just one right? Wrong. The minute you toss a crumb to that one poor hungry-looking seagull, there will be 50 more right on top of him. And trust me, they get plenty to eat. They don’t need your food. And while a flock of seagulls is an intriguing and sometimes flattering retro hairstyle, there is nothing fun about the real thing. The exception to the feeding the seagulls rule is to punish beach etiquette violators (see Rule Two).

Rule Number 4: Arrive Early

In order to get a Prime beach spot, you need to get there early. That way you can judge all the people that come after you, lament their lack of beach etiquette and possibly throw seagull food at them. It’s a good idea to send an advance scouting party as early as possible (before 9 a.m.) to stake your claim. Make sure to spread out the chairs and beach towels. Set up a beach tent if you have one. In general try to take up as much room as possible. If other parties begin to arrive and see you sitting there by yourself with your beach paraphernalia covering a half acre of prime beach real estate they may ask you to move your stuff. The really ballsy ones might even move your stuff to make room. Don’t lose your cool. Explain in a calm rational voice that the rest of your party went for a walk and will be returning shortly. This is sort of like saving seats in the movie theater. The key is to assert yourself in a confident manner. Remember, beach etiquette is on your side. If this fails, feed some seagulls. In addition to the obvious benefits, having a Prime beach spot is essential for:

Rule Number 5: Judge Everyone That Walks By Politely

It’s the beach. People are in swimsuits. Everyone is going to be judged. We all know it, we accept it, but it should be done in an orderly fashion. Here are some general guidelines to help you participate in this time-honored tradition without hurting anyone’s feelings or, even worse, violating beach etiquette.

- Judging is based on a ten-point system and is based on physical attractiveness as well as wardrobe choice. Girls, if your belly is hanging over your bikini you are going to lose some major points. That’s why they make one-piece bathing suits. Gentlemen (I really can’t stress this enough) if you have back hair GET IT WAXED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. And no Speedos. You are not at the Olympics, and no one is going to challenge you to a race. If you notice even Olympic athletes don’t go parading around in Speedos all that much. Certainly less than we could wish.

- Contestants to be judged are defined as those walking between you and the ocean. Do not stare down your neighbors. Recognize that if you go for a stroll on the beach you immediately become a contestant.

- Binoculars are a helpful tool for making those fine distinctions. A 4 is usually pretty obviously a 4, but could that 8.5 possibly be a 9? Let’s take a closer look. Using the binoculars properly is very important. You need to start by pretending you are looking at something out to sea like a ship, or a gigantic geyser of oil. Do a sweep of the ocean, then make a slight adjustment and do a sweep of the beach. I repeat: sweep. Do not linger. People generally do not take kindly to being scrutinized through a pair of high powered binoculars.

- Scores are to be shared with fellow judges only. They can be debated, but keep the volume down. No one wants to know there is heated disagreement over whether they are a 5 or a 4.5. Also don’t point or otherwise gesture at the contestants. It makes them nervous.

Rule Number 6: Keep the Beach Clean

If you are a smoker, bring an ashtray. If your band-aid comes off, don’t bury it in the sand. There are few things more disgusting than letting someone bury you in the sand only to realize you are covered in cigarette butts and used band-ads. Take all your trash with you when you leave. If you are on a beach that permits dogs you know perfectly well that includes dog poo. Oh and beer bottle caps. I once cut my foot on a beer bottle cap someone had left in the sand and it was not fun. Another thing to consider: noise pollution. If you have a radio if should be in the center of your camp and played at a volume that permits conversation. Hard as it may be to believe, people 50 yards down the beach may not want to hear Lady Gaga’s new album.

Rule Number 7: Keep Your Wet Sandy Feet Off My Beach Towel!

I am not a big fan of sand. I tolerate it because I like the ocean. Generally when I go to the beach I bring a little half tent, called a beach tent. This allows me to enjoy the beach without actually interacting with it. I keep a bucket of water outside my beach tent and dip my feet in it to wash any sand off before entering. I spread my beach towel on top of the tent floor so that it will not have any contact with the sand. In the unlikely event that I allow you to enter my sanctuary, make use of the bucket, bring your own towel, and make sure your body is free of sand. So help me god if you get sand on my beach towel I will murder you and feed you to the seagulls. I should probably point out that this rule really only applies to going to the beach with me. My mother loved the sand and expressed disbelief that I was her son when she noticed my sand-phobia. But so help me god, if you get sand on me it will be the last thing you do. Ever.

Rule Number 8: Bring Plenty of Beer

One of life’s simple pleasures is enjoying a cold beer on a warm sunny beach. If you bring beer, make sure you have enough to share. Otherwise you are just being a dick and everyone will hate you.

Rule Number 9: If You Hit Me with That Boogie Board I Will Bash Your Skull In

The ocean can be a lot of fun for the whole family. From little kids that like to run from the waves, to obnoxious pre-teens who think they are so super cool with their little board things they throw at the tide. No I don’t know what they’re called because I was never that coordinated. Grow a pair kid. If you want to go surfing get a surfboard and stop forcing grandma to jump out of the way while you do your little slip and slide thing. And if you are using a boogie board, please try to aim it AWAY from the group of swimmers. Also fishermen: Please do not attempt to fish where I am swimming. If you hook me the only thing you are going to catch is my foot up your ass. Similarly, swimmers: Don’t swim where people are fishing. You would think this would be obvious, but unfortunately past experience teaches that it is not.

Rule Number Ten: Enjoy

Having mastered the rules of beach etiquette you are now free to enjoy the beach. Don’t forget to judge everyone who walks by and occasionally volunteer to go on a beer run if the cooler is getting low. And for fuck’s sake don’t get sand on my towel.

Mom, I know that wherever you are, you’re probably sitting on the beach, and I’m sure everyone observes the rules of beach etiquette perfectly. Maybe they even have sand-repelling beach tents.