Is there any more soothing balm for heartache than music? Well possibly revenge sex, but we’ll cover that one another time. This is dedicated to a recently single friend of mine, in the hope that it might inspire.
These are of course my own personal opinions, and are therefore unimpeachably Correct. Yes, nearly half of them are showtunes, but what do you want…it is called GAYtopia. Also while I was making up the rules I decided there could be no more than one song per artist. Then I threw that out the window because I had two Madonna songs. Then I decided, fuck it, Madonna can have two songs on the list because one of them is technically a cover of sorts and because she is fucking Madonna. This is the same rationale I use when she attempts to speak with a British accent. She. Is. Fucking. Madonna. Lifetime pass.
Disclaimers: Some of these songs are situational and depending on the circumstances of your breakup might not make you feel better. Lyric excerpts are presented in prose form for brevity. Also, feel free to swap in the appropriate gender pronouns as needed.
10. Shadowboxer – Fiona Apple
“Once my lover, now my friend. What a cruel thing to pretend. What a cunning way to condescend. Once my lover, and now my friend… But, oh, it’s so evil, my love, the way you’ve no reverence to my concern. So I’ll be sure to stay wary of you, love, to save the pain of, Once my flame and twice my burn…”
Oh yeah. How many of you have gotten the “let’s still be friends” speech? And then someone slips and suddenly you’re waking up next to the object of your affection wondering what comes next. I’ll tell you what comes next. They wake up and leave. You just got played, darling.
9. Live to Tell – Madonna
“A man can tell a thousand lies; I’ve learned my lesson well. Hope I live to tell; The secret I have learned, ’till then; It will burn inside of me.”
Ah Madonna. You have a song for every occasion. In fact I could probably have made this a list of Madonna songs. But it never hurts to be reminded that betrayal is a universal concept. I like this song because it has just the right mix of serenity, pain and bitterness, with just a touch of anger hidden underneath. Anger can be very useful to the healing process. (See also: revenge sex, rage.)
8. The Winner Takes it All – Meryl Streep
“The gods may throw the dice; Their minds as cold as ice. And someone way down here; Loses someone dear. The winner takes it all. The loser has to fall. It’s simple and it’s plain. Why should I complain?”
Meryl Streep rocks the shit out of this song in the movie version of Mama Mia. I once sat and watched this scene about 15 times in a row (yes it was late and yes I was quite drunk). Mutual breakups are a myth constructed by passive-aggressive people who don’t have the stones to admit they broke someone’s heart. There is always a winner and there is always a loser.
7. Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley
“Well, maybe there’s a God above. But all I’ve ever learned from love; Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew ya. And it’s not a cry that you hear at night; It’s not somebody who’s seen the light. It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah.”
There have been a million covers of Leonard Cohen’s classic, but even Cohen himself said Buckley’s version was the best. There are also a million interpretations of what this song is really about. And it sort of depends on which version you’re listening to. This version is about grief. It’s beautiful, and it’s painful, and it makes a really great karaoke song if you have the pipes for it.
6. The Great Wall of China – Billy Joel
“You take a piece of whatever you touch. Too many pieces means you’re touching too much. You never win if you can’t play it straight. You only beat me if you get me to hate. It must be so lonely to think that you have only; Somebody else’s life to live if they let you. I ain’t too selective, but it don’t take no detective; To find out how fast your friends will forget you. We could have gone all the way to the Great Wall of China. Now all you’re going to be is history.”
Ever had one of those relationships that you know could have been really super awesome if the other person hadn’t been such a douchebag? Yeah, this song is for you. Enjoy. And enjoy imagining your ex friendless and alone, hopefully someday realizing what they’ve lost. Because that totally happens. At least I keep telling myself it does…
5. Another Suitcase in Another Hall – Madonna
“I don’t expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself that my dreams will come true. Being used to trouble I anticipate it. But all the same I hate it, wouldn’t you? … Call in three months time and I’ll be fine, I know. Well maybe not that fine, but I’ll surive anyhow. I won’t recall the names and places of each sad occasion. But that’s no consolation here and now.”
Sigh. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t seem to make a relationship last for more than a month. But dammit I kept trying. (I am not a slut, I am a serial monogamist. Or, well I used to be. Now I’m just celibate. YES by my own choice thank you very much.) Moving on…
4. I Dreamed a Dream – Patti LuPone
“And still I dream he’ll come to me. That we will live the years together. But there are dreams that cannot be. And there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be; So different from this hell I’m living; So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.”
I have listened to this song so many times I rewrote the lyrics from memory. It is pretty much the tops when it comes to expressing that world-ending despair you feel after a nasty breakup. In fact the only reason it isn’t in the number one slot is because it is just so depressing and hopeless. Still there’s something strangely cathartic about it.
3. Send in the Clowns – Dame Judy Dench (or Barbara Streisand if you can’t find Dame Judy’s version)
“Don’t you love farce? My fault I fear. I thought that you’d want what I want. Sorry, my dear. But where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns. Quick send in the clowns.”
Ever broken up with someone and then realized you made a horrible mistake? So you go back prepared to grovel, beg, do whatever it takes to win them back…and then you find out they’ve already moved on and you’re too late. Possibly the only thing worse than a broken heart is the knowledge you brought it on yourself. This one won’t make you feel any better but at least you’ll have Desiree to commiserate with.
2. There’s a Fine, Fine Line – Stephanie D’Abruzzo
“There’s a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie; And there’s a fine, fine line between “You’re wonderful” and “Goodbye.” I guess if someone doesn’t love you back it isn’t such a crime, But there’s a fine, fine line between love; And a waste of your time.”
This is probably the wisest thing ever written on the subject of love. The shitty thing is you usually don’t realize which side of that line you’re on until it’s too late. Interesting side note, this song was recommended to me by an ex to help me get over a more recent ex. It later helped me get over ex #1 after the Shadowboxer incident. You’d think I’d learn.
1. You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette
“I want you to know that I’m happy for you. I wish nothing but the best for you both…And I’m here to remind you; Of the mess you left when you went away. It’s not fair to deny me; Of the cross I bear that you gave to me. You, you, you oughta know. You seem very well, things look peaceful. I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know. Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced. And are you thinking of me when you fuck her (him)? ‘Cause the love that you gave that we made; Wasn’t able to make it enough for you be open wide, no. And every time you speak her (his) name; Does she(he) know how you told me you’d hold me; Until you died, ‘til you died? But you’re still alive…’Cause the joke that you made in the bed that was me; And I’m not gonna fade; As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it. And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back; I hope you feel it. Can you feel it?”
This song really deserves to be reprinted in its entirety but there are enough blogs out there with it already. Feel free to Google. This is the ultimate breakup song. Because it takes all that grief and self loathing and turns it into rage. Remember when I told you anger was useful for mending a broken heart? Rage is so much better. It is very difficult to remain in love with someone when you feel a burning hatred for them in your heart. Is it ultimately self-destructive? Maybe. Does it make you feel better? Absolutely. And that’s good enough to put it at the top of my list. (Note this treatment is best administered at high volume with a shot or two of whiskey. Gaytopia and its subsidiaries may not be held responsible for what may happen after.)
Ok that’s it. Hope those of you out there nursing broken hearts find this helpful. Coming up next time: Top Ten Breakup Movies. Or maybe something about revenge sex, depending on my mood.
