I’m thinking about making a career change. I’ve narrowed my choices down to either A) World Dictator, or B) Beach Bum. I’m currently leaning to option A, because although it will require a little more effort on my part I cannot ignore the potential benefit to mankind. Besides, should option A not pan out I can always fall back on option B. As any aspiring actor, singer, dancer or lawyer can tell you, it’s always good to have a fallback option. Anyway, assuming I succeed, things are going to have to change a little bit. So here is what the world will be like once it rests in my firm but benevolent grasp.
1. We will be referring to ourselves in the Royal We tense from now on.
2. Politics will be illegal. Aren’t you sick of them anyway? Also on the chopping board: democratic elections. We think it’s been well established they don’t work. We will assemble a crack team of puppet administrators to oversee governing until Our scientists can invent practical robots.
3. We will immediately outlaw and cause to be shot into the Sun the following: nuclear weapons, pickup trucks and Twitter.
4. Certain persons will become “guests” of the state, starting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Sarah Palin, as We consider them to be the two greatest threats to international security and intelligent public discourse, respectively. We will put them on a nice comfy private island surrounded by a giant plastic bubble. The highest form of criminal punishment will be to be exiled to this island (aka getting the Bubble), with capital punishment being reserved for lesser offenses. We think this may actually reduce terrorism. On the watch list: Donald Trump, Mel Gibson, Rahm Emanuel, Joe Lieberman, Hu Jintao, Rupert Murdoch, whoever let Britney Spears make that last album, the Pope and one or two of Our ex boyfriends.
5. Drugs will be legal, with “Use at Your Own Risk” warning labels. Also there will be no minimum drinking age. We hope that parents will take it upon themselves to teach their kids to use these things in a responsible manner. Also, with a nod to Mr. Darwin, We hope this will act as a form of population control.
6. Friday will now officially be part of the weekend.
7. George Lucas will be prevented from any further tampering with his movies. We will personally oversee the rewrite of the Star Wars prequels. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and X-Men III will be redone as well, and despite what you may have heard James Cameron will NOT be making a sequel to Avatar.
8. We will have Our own secret police. But they will be like secret shoppers, ensuring good customer service from the world’s police forces. Ever wanted to see a cop get a ticket? Your wish has been granted.
9. All defense spending will be immediately be redirected to science, which will be used to develop helpful new technologies like non-polluting transportation, better medicine, 3-D TV that works, keeping Madonna from getting any older and Our personal fleet of Star Destroyers.
10. Homosexuality will be illegal, along with everything else the Bible says is wrong like bacon. Oh what’s that? You’re willing to tolerate the gays if We let you keep your bacon? We thought so… Right then, bacon, equality and free speech for all, unless you say something bad about your beloved Monarch, in which case it’s off to the Bubble.
