I’ve been thinking about going back to college. As in undergrad, where I can live in a dorm room, have all my meals prepared for me, and be the most popular freshman on campus because I can buy everyone booze. Because four years was just not enough. Also, the biggest concern in my life would be stumbling to my 8 a.m. Chem class, and my daily life would be proportioned something like: 30 percent partying, 25 percent sleeping, 15 percent getting ready to party, 15 percent recovering from parties, 5 percent gym, 4 percent tanning, 1 percent class. If you are a college graduate, you may have noticed this only adds up to 95 percent. The other 5 percent is reserved for additional or “emergency” partying. For the record, yes I did follow this schedule for four years, and yes I did graduate.
Unfortunately I made the mistake of actually obtaining a degree, which according to those bastards at Google seems to preclude the possibility of going back and obtaining more degrees. Unless I happen to be an overweight, divorced mother of three or more children. (Don’t ask where I got that one…you don’t want to know.) So for all of you ambitious college types out there, when people tell you to stay in school, FOR GODS SAKE LISTEN TO THEM! Stay in school forever. A very wise man once said “you can never gain too much knowledge.” Ok I just made that up, but how would a man get very wise unless he had spent a few decades bumming around campus? Therefore if a wise man exists he must have said it at some point.
Ok, undergrad is out. On to Plan B: Graduate School. This has the drawback of requiring you to actually show up for class, and most likely you have to do work as well. On the plus side you can stay there as long as you want, and after a few semesters you get to boss around those snotty undergrads. I read the other day about someone who was taking advantage of the fact that you don’t have to pay back student loans until you leave college by (drum roll please) never leaving! I think he has amassed something like 19 degrees so far. But of course this sounds too good to be true, so it probably is. But I bet you could have a good long run before anyone figured it out though.
If necessary, after racking up four or five degrees you can become a teacher (or as they’re called in college a Professor), and although this entails more work, you are still technically in college, and can conceivably avoid the real world forever. I know several people who have managed this and they radiate enough smug satisfaction that if we could somehow harness it and turn it into energy our oil worries would be over.
Back to my point. Graduate school. Let’s see, student loans probably won’t pay my mortgage or car payments, so I’ll have to sell those, which is fine because I want to live on campus anyway. Then I can be that douche that shows up to class in flannel pajama pants and flip flops. No matter the season or weather. Also I can use the excess proceeds from the sales for a little nip tuck. You know just shave a few years off my face (literally). Or burn them off with acid and lasers. I don’t really care.
Now, only one minor detail left: picking a degree. This is a minor detail because I plan to amass many degrees. I was thinking of starting off with something like sociology or political science, since they are arguably close to my current field and I could (conceivably) be interested in learning more about them. Anyway, once I have almost finished I will pretend to be ensnared by my love of knowledge and learning and move on to more adventurous degrees like philosophy. I took a philosophy class once and I thoroughly enjoyed it because you can just make things up as you go along. Eventually I will get a doctorate in philosophy. My thesis will be called something along the lines of “The Existential Paradigm of Trans-Humanoid Social Dynamics through the Medium of Vodka (spiritus potatois).”
Once I become a Doctor of Philosophy I will teach, probably at a small liberal arts college, and, as a means of furthering my thesis, class will consist of sitting around and getting drunk. In other words I will have come full circle. Maybe they’ll let me eat at the dining hall and live in a dorm too.
