Let’s talk about sex

Last weekend I was confronted with a sort of ethical conundrum. I was, as is not entirely uncommon, enjoying the hot tub after hours, meaning that I jumped over the locked gate and was keeping one eye on my drink and the other peeled for potential interlopers. There are occasional security patrols. I shall now divulge every detail of that scandalous evening even though it has virtually nothing to do with the point I’m trying to make, but because I know the real reason you all read this is for the smut.

Kidding.

I’m actually going to skip most of the details of the evening, because they’re not all that scandalous and this post is going to be a long one anyway. Suffice to say I was in the pool with two friends, and jokes and innuendos were made, most of which were directed at me. It appeared that friend A was of the opinion that I should engage in liaisons with friend B. Friend B seemed to be of the opinion that I should do the same with friend A. I was of mixed feelings on the subject for several reasons, because I was fairly certain that 1) even if I could get away with it, engaging in those sort of liaisons with either A or B would probably backfire on me, and 2) regardless of what my desires might have been, I felt I couldn’t ethically take either option for a variety of reasons. It was, to put it mildly the kind of woefully ironic situation that very few people are capable of getting themselves into, which I actually found rather amusing more than anything else and it got me thinking about morality, especially as it relates (or in some cases doesn’t relate) to sex.

I have always believed that morality is, more or less, a subjective thing. One possible definition of a society is a group of people that come together and agree on a subjective set of morals. In my observation, society is more often the rich and the powerful forcing their morals on everyone else, while largely ignoring them themselves. Now, as readers of this blog will know, here in Gaytopia, we strive to maintain a level of decorum that exceeds societal norms, however, when we attempt to apply this principle to sex, the whole thing goes out the window. Because one of the laws of the Universe, which is to the best of my knowledge, accepted by all learned creatures, is that no matter what our moral stance on sex, we will, at some point, screw it up. No pun intended. There is a similar law governing the use of drugs and alcohol, and in truth these are all often interrelated.

All these caveats aside, I have decided, that much as I did in setting forth certain guidelines for the Gaytopian Dating Guide, it is now time to put forth The Official Gaytopian Guide to Pre- and Post-Coitus Relations. I have no intention of becoming the next Sue Johanson, but rather to offer a few pointers that will lead to fewer regrets, heartaches and awkward Facebook posts. This is about the before and after people. If you want the during, check out Sue. She’s awesome. Which leads us to…

1. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. When you’re in a relationship it’s generally assumed you’re having sex (hopefully with your partner). It’s not really news. On the other hand, whether it’s some hot trick you just happened to meet, or a good friend who you had a little too much to drink with, or the ex-boyfriend that you really shouldn’t have but did…you can bet it’s front page gossip. You’ll be lucky enough if you don’t find yourself (as I too often do) splattered across the pages of the Paris Gazette, facing wild and (usually) baseless allegations and depravity. Your friends are not your friends in this situation. They are a pack of wild dogs who will take this tasty morsel of information, rip it up, and spread it across town. Come on guys I love you all, but we’ve all done it. And even if you have a relatively gossip-free circle of friends, the temptation to say “oh you’ll never believe what I just heard” is one that we should avoid placing on our friends. If you want to discuss your sex life, try discussing it with the person you slept with.  If they aren’t returning your calls then it’s probably best to move on. Which brings us to the next rule…

2. Don’t sleep with your ex. Just don’t do it. I know, it’s tempting, and I know you really think there might still be a connection there, but Just. Don’t. Do. It. Either you wind up getting hurt, or you wind up hurting someone you probably still care about. Either way this situation should be avoided. If you really think you’ve got a future with your ex, try having a conversation about it. The answer you get may not be the one you want but it’s a hell of a lot more honest than anything you’re going to get in bed. Speaking of being dishonest…

3. Be happy with what you’ve got. Sleeping with someone else when you are supposed to be in a committed relationship is not a good idea. The phrase “Hell hath no fury” comes to mind. I know some people have open relationships. I won’t pass any judgments on those here, but remember you’re playing with fire. I have been cheated on once that I know of. It’s a terrible feeling and one I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’ve also cheated on someone exactly once. It remains to this day, one of the greatest regrets of my life. If your relationship is on the rocks and you find yourself looking at other prospects, well maybe it’s time to reevaluate. But the least you can do is be honest with the person you’re dating. And while we’re on the subject of dating…

4. Do not borrow other people’s toys without asking. Just as this once caused much strife on your elementary school playground, fooling around with someone else’s significant other is at best, selfish and at worst, fatal. Exceptions granted for open relationships, but it’s still playing with fire. The ultimate scenario here, is Never, EVER, under any circumstances sleep with your friend’s significant other. I don’t care how open their relationship is. If anything goes wrong it will be automatically be your fault. And doing it behind their back is…well just about the ultimate betrayal of friendship. This falls short of murdering beloved pets and family members, but just barely. And no, CRW I never quite got over it when it happened to me. While we’re discussing friendship…

5. Don’t sleep with your friends. I know. We’re all very attractive people. And I’m not talking about your “friend” that you occasionally call when you might be a little drunk and feeling kind of saucy. There’s another term for that but I won’t use it here since there’s always the chance my mother might be reading this. When it comes down to it you need your friends far more than you need a one night stand. If it’s going to grow into something else, it will. And one last note when it comes to friends…

6. Do not sleep with your friend’s ex. Do not sleep with your ex’s friend. This rule has a statute of limitations, however. You may not, no matter how good or pure you think your intentions are, seek to provide physical comfort to your friend’s ex, nor may you seek comfort in the arms of your ex’s friend until half the time the relationship lasted has passed. In other words, no matter how long you’ve had the hots for your best friend’s boyfriend, and no matter how nice and squeaky clean their breakup was, if they dated for say six months…it is hands off for three months. If they were together for three months you only have to wait six weeks. So basically if you are really attracted to your friend’s new plaything, do everything you can to break it off as quickly as possible. Kidding. Be happy for your friend, don’t covet. And be nice to your significant other’s friends, but also don’t covet.  Now that we’ve covered everything to do with friends we can discuss those other people that flitter in and out of our lives….

7. Learn the difference between lust and love. If you feel an intense physical attraction to someone immediately upon meeting them, this is lust. If this feeling continues and over time the attraction becomes mental, emotional and spiritual, then it’s probably love. If you meet someone and you instantly have an intense, physical, mental and emotional connection…the may God have mercy on your soul because you’re probably experiencing that very very rare disease known as Love at First Sight. But don’t worry because most of the time it just means you haven’t been laid for a while and you’re feeling particularly lustful. Speaking of lust…

8. Know the difference between a whore and a slut. You pay a whore with money. You don’t expect them to stay to cuddle and you don’t expect a phone call the next day. You don’t pay a slut, cuddling is optional, as is the next day phone call. Where this becomes difficult is when you’re dealing in currency other than money. Like let’s say you meet a really cute guy. You pick up the bar tab at the end of the night to be polite. You sleep with him. Slut (both you and him). Same scenario, same guy, two nights later. The bar tab arrives. He makes no offer to pick up or pay. That would be a whore ladies and gentlemen. You may not be handing him the money directly but you’re still paying for it. This is fine as long as you recognize what you’re doing and don’t mind paying for sex, but if it continues for more than a few weeks and you’ve got a relationship on your hands despite the fact that you are still shelling out for everything it’s time to stop. (Unless you happen to be Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. In which case I wish you well.) A slut might grow into a boyfriend. For a whore it’s just business. To sum it up, in the words of Kenny Rogers…

9. Know when to hold ‘em. Know when to fold ‘em. This is probably the one we struggle with the most. Especially for those hopeless romantics out there that love to love a lost cause, or simply can’t recognize one. I’m afraid I don’t have anything particularly funny or witty to say on this subject, because such endings are always bittersweet at best. It’s hard to watch someone you care about struggle futilely to hold on to something they no longer have. Or never had. All I can say is we are all fools for love at some point or another. Lord know’s I have been more times than I would care to admit. But hey, we all make mistakes, and some of them are worth making. Just try to avoid the ones I’ve listed here.

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