As I struggled to find a pair of pants that still fit this morning it occurred to me that my diet has not been going too well. A knowledgeable (and very thin) friend informed me that attempting to cut calories and starve myself has in fact induced my body to store more fat. Hence the pants not fitting so well. Apparently my mortal enemy is not calories but sugar, or anything that can be metabolized into sugar, like carbohydrates. I was, apparently, the last person on the planet to understand this. So basically I can have all the steak I want, but no more potatoes on the side. I will also be bidding a fond farewell to pizza, french fries, pasta of any kind, and even my beloved Easy Mac. There is, regrettably, one other thing that metabolizes into sugar and probably generates more empty calories and belly fat across America than McDonald’s and Burger King combined. Something that has been an integral part of Gaytopia since its foundation. Something that without which I probably wouldn’t have made it through college. Yes friends, I’m talking about alcohol. The martini diet is hereby declared a failure.
So, effective immediately, I am taking the drastic step of purging all carbohydrates from my life. Including alcohol. I may also at some point (God forbid) visit a gym. This will of course be a temporary measure, sort of like imposing martial law on my life. Unfortunately once I shrink back from my current whale-like proportions I will likely be introducing another concept that we Gaytopians have always struggled with: moderation. I know, it’s a scary word. It’s a concept that goes against everything I believe to be good and proper and true. And in Gaytopia, it will remain outlawed. For the time I spend in mortal lands however, it’s going to become my modus operandi. Alas, that we should have to live in such evil times that we can’t drink to excess every night and gorge ourselves on whatever seems tastiest. Someday my friends, this will change. But for now it’s nothing but steaks and salads. And water.
For the record, this is in no way motivated out of a desire or perceived need to quit drinking. I’m just fine with being a raging alcoholic, but ultimately my love of booze simply can’t compete with my vanity. See…I told you my substantial ego could be a force for good and no one believed me. Let us hope that I am vain and arrogant enough to pull this off.
If anyone would care to join my war effort please let me know. Also any delicious and carb-free meal suggestions are quite welcome.
May 6, 2008 at 2:52 am |
Complex carbs (whole grains) are still your friend! Just try to eat the protein in your meal first. (You would not believe the number of nutrition books I have…) Also, remember that wine is good for you–you know, as long as you don’t drink a bottle a night.
Listen to me, I’ll bet I’m skinnier than your other friend. =P